18 September 2023 at 6:30

Some thoughts I had reading Kierkegaard lately

I’m so obsessed with objectivity because I’m so skeptical because I believe so much in subjectivity and intersubjectivity and subsequently different perspectives from different consciousnesses that I don’t know if mine is authentic or always biased. I don’t know what mine would be like in the eyes of others, that I want to know what I am like outside of my own subjectivity because I can perceive my subjectivity in whatever way I want to, I can manipulate myself all I want, and if it stays inside my head then it doesn’t exist for the world nor anyone else and I can call it my own truth whether it be authentic or not.. I want to be real to people around me, but my truth and subjectivity stands in the way, so I try to see myself objectively and be true and align my inner world with the external, I try to be true to myself and others and try to show others what I show myself. I can only maintain this existence when my self can relate to the self others see, but now I’m in danger of objectifying my own inner world, my own truth... where, in this world, does one really exist? And for whom? More and more I’ve been feeling like human beings are so vulnerable on their own and there has to be something else, or maybe this is all just, wrong.. subjectivity is a paradox..

I am being inauthentic to myself right now and I am in deep remorse, I hate myself for lying to myself knowing that I can do this over and over again and you won’t know, I am the only one who knows, you won’t know that I’m lying if I was not going to tell you. The date for this note is not correct and I don’t remember when I actually wrote it.