9 July 2023 at 11:51 am

The airport terminal was filled with sweetness when i stepped inside, I was happy to be back in Chicago, and this was the last time i’ll be happy to be back. Next time i’d be visiting and I won’t ever find the same happiness, so maybe I won’t visit if I only hope to find the same happiness which was here, because I might just disappoint and ruin Chicago for myself when I remember that a city changed when you go away for a while. My home will no longer be mine if I’m not there to fill that absence. If you’re not there to witness and catch it in time, I’ve no right to hope for it to stay untouched for me when I’m the one that’s absent, abandoned it, whether out of my own free will or not.  

After 2 months Chicago won’t exist anymore, and I feel indifferent, I’m not sad, I simply can’t imagine it being non-existent for me, a city that’s cut pieces off me and grew pieces on me, so embedded in me or I’m so embedded in it, that I don’t feel it anymore, and I can’t picture feeling only the absent of it, I can’t picture a nothingness. Only if we’re able to, blessed by this consciousness, unknow things at will like how we know things by the slightest impression, like how things stuck with us involuntarily from one accidental glance.