26 September 2023 at 9:39pm

maybe the idea of love or material is really just an excuse to not get too far from the external world, spiritual or existential searching is leading me further and further away, i’m feeling this immense absurdity and insignificance, like how easy life is and how easy death is, how superfluous, we come here to create needs for ourselves to fulfil, its all a tautology.. love comes from outside and it can’t be a creation of our own, it can’t be helped, although nothing we think or do can really be helped only that any consequences and responsibilities falls on myself always.. no matter how much involvement i really had in making that decision.. but at least love doesn’t give us the illusion that we’re free to love, being forced to see myself through someone else’s eyes, when it’s good it’s honest.